Choose the better “What if?”

A few weeks ago Jenn (one of my fabulous team members) and I had a great conversation that turned into a lesson for our Standing Spouses clients in our Resilient Hearts program. It turned out to be a lively call with lots of discussion so I decided to take the main points of discussion and write this article for you all.

Choose the better “What if?”

Your brain loves to ask, What if?

Unfortunately, it rarely begins with:

“What if everything works out better than I expect?” ( I mean whose brain really starts out thinking that- with a hopeful tone? Nope, we’re scared and uncertain.)

Instead, it usually offers something more like:

• What if he never comes home?

• What if their relationship lasts?

• What if he files for divorce?

• What if he forgets about me?

• What if this is my life forever?

These thoughts feel incredibly real. (These are the thoughts that occupied my mind for probably at least the first two years of his crisis).

And what happens is that your body may even react as though they have already happened.

You feel abandoned, rejected, panicked or devastated over a future that has not actually arrived. (Why do we do that? Feel it before it even happens? But we do!)

Your brain thinks it is protecting you.

It believes that if it predicts the worst possible outcome, you will be somehow less shocked or less hurt if it happens.

But rehearsing the perceived pain does not protect you from pain.

I’m going to say that again:

Rehearsing the perceived pain does not protect you from the pain.

Somehow we think it will.

But it simply causes you to experience the fear of that possible pain ahead of time - often times repeatedly.

And while we are busy imagining and rehearsing everything that might happen, or even “planning what to do if it does happen,” we often avoid feeling what is actually happening right now.

Maybe what you’re feeling right now is sadness.

Maybe it’s disappointment, grief or uncertainty.

Maybe it’s fear - that was a biggie for me.

Those feelings may be uncomfortable, but they are feelings you can allow and let them “pass through.” One of my coaches, Cookie Rosenblum told me that if you just allow the feeling - it really passes in 30 seconds to 2 minutes. And she’s right. Just let yourself feel it.

But you don’t have to add tomorrow’s “imagined” pain on top of today’s real emotion.

And that brings us to another mistake that our brains make:

Fear Is Not a Prophecy

Fear often sounds very convincing.

It doesn’t say:

“Here is one possible explanation.”

It says:

“He is never coming home.”

“She has won.”

“My family is destroyed.”

“This will never end.”

Fear speaks as though it’s the truth and knows the ending. (It actually does not.)

Fear is not prophecy.

A possibility is not a fact.

A thought is not the same thing as reality.

Your brain may be writing a future story, but that does not mean the story is true. Our brain loves to throw out thoughts as if they are all true. They are not. It’s just a thought, it doesn’t mean it’s a fact.

Consider this:

I first heard this from Bob Proctor, although I don’t think he is the first one that said it, but it really hit me hard.

Fear is believing in something you cannot currently see.

Faith is also believing in something you cannot currently see.

Fear says:

“He will never come back.”

“The affair will last forever.”

“I will never be happy again.”

Faith says:

“Things can change.”

“This crisis may not be permanent.”

“Their relationship may not survive reality.”

“He may eventually see his life differently.”

“I may become stronger through this.”

“This chapter may not be the ending.”

They both are about believing in something you can’t see.

Neither fear nor faith can guarantee what happens next.

But one creates panic.

The other creates possibility and hope.

Which one are you practicing? Which one do you want to believe? Which one makes you feel better?

Your Brain Looks for Evidence

Once your brain chooses a story, it begins searching for evidence to support it.

He doesn’t respond to a text.

Your brain says:

“There it is. He doesn’t care. He is never coming home.”

But the unanswered text could support many different stories.

Maybe he is tired.

Maybe he feels ashamed.

Maybe he doesn’t know what to say.

Maybe he is overwhelmed.

Maybe he is avoiding his own feelings.

You do not know which explanation is true. You THINK you do, but you really do not. We really do not know what they are thinking.

But when you are afraid, your brain usually selects the explanation that hurts the most.

You may even argue for it.

Someone offers a more hopeful possibility and you immediately respond:

“But you don’t understand. He did this.”

“He said that.”

“He hasn’t contacted me.”

“He looks happy.”

You use the evidence you gathered while you were afraid to prove that fear is the only reasonable conclusion.

But that same circumstance can often support more than one story.

He drives past the house and waves.

You could think:

“He is checking up on me.”

Or:

“He wanted to see me.”

“He was thinking about me.”

“He may not know how to connect right now, but part of him still cares.”

You do not have to force yourself to believe a fantasy.

You simply need to recognize that the most painful interpretation is not automatically the most truthful one.

Catch the Story Before It Writes Ten More Chapters

Something happens.

He is quiet.

He leaves the house.

He doesn’t text back.

You see something online.

Within seconds, your brain goes down a negative spiral and writes the next ten chapters:

He is with her.

He is leaving me.

He does not love me.

They are going to live happily ever after.

My life is over.

Before you can change the story, you have to notice that YOU are the one telling it.

Try saying:

“I am on the emotional roller coaster of his mlc.”

“I am writing a future story.”

“I am treating a possibility as a fact.”

“This is fear talking.”

“I am rehearsing the ending I am most afraid of.”

You do not need to shame yourself.

Your brain is doing what brains do. It is looking for danger and trying to keep you alive. And during this crisis, your body and brain are in survival mode.

But your brain does not always know how to create peace.

That part requires you to do the work. (That’s actually what we teach in our program-managing your mind, getting you of survival mode.)

A Simple Way to Interrupt the Spiral

When you notice yourself spiraling, try this:

1. Catch the thought

“I am imagining that he is never coming home.”

2. Name it

“This is fear. It is a possible scenario, but it is not a proven fact.”

3. Pause the story

“I do not have to finish this story.”

You do not have to follow the thought all the way to the darkest possible ending.

You can stop and say to yourself.

“Nope brain. We are not going down that road today.”

4. Look for another possibility

“What else could be true?”

“What else might be happening?”

“What am I unable to see from where I am standing?”

5. Choose again

“What possibility do I want to practice believing?”

You are not forcing yourself to believe something that feels impossible.

You are reminding yourself that the fear story has not been proven either.

Ask a Better “What If”

You may never completely stop your brain from asking, “What if?”

So instead of trying to eliminate the question, teach your brain to ask a better one.

Instead of:

What if their relationship lasts forever?

Try:

“What if their relationship begins to fall apart under the weight of reality?”

Instead of:

“What if he never comes home?”

Try:

“What if he eventually comes through this and sees his life differently?”

Instead of:

“What if I wasted years of my life?”

Try:

“What if these become the years in which I finally discover who I am?”

Instead of:

“What if he chooses her?”

Try:

“What if I choose myself wholeheartedly that I will be okay no matter what he chooses?”

This is not delusion. This is not toxic positive thinking.

It is refusing to treat your darkest possible ending as the only believable one.

There are possibilities you cannot currently see.

Your story is still being written.

You Get to Choose the Next Chapter

Do you remember those old “choose your own adventure” books? (Jenn had this brilliant idea to connect this with mlc and our thinking.)

At the end of a chapter, you were given two options.

Turn to page 42 if you believe he hates you.

Turn to page 67 if you are willing to consider that he may be overwhelmed, confused, ashamed, depressed or lost.

Turn to page 18 if you believe he is running toward a perfect new life.

Turn to page 53 if you are willing to consider that he may actually be running from himself.

You may not know which explanation is true.

But you do get to decide which story receives your energy today.

Your work is not to eliminate fear completely.

Your work is to catch it sooner.

Name it.

Pause it.

Flip it.

And choose the better “what if.”

Because fear is not a prophecy.

A possibility is not a fact.

And this chapter is not the ending. It’s just one chapter in your life.

Something to keep in mind: Fear can come along for the ride because we probably can’t stop it from showing up. But it belongs in the back seat. Don’t make it the driver. It doesn’t get to choose where we’re going, and we don’t have to hand it the keys.

Wondering If Your Husband Is in a Midlife Crisis?

When his behavior suddenly feels confusing, cold or completely out of character, it can be hard to know what you are actually dealing with.

Take my free Male Midlife Crisis Checklist to see how many of the common signs you recognize in your husband.

You’ll also receive my emails with practical support, encouragement and strategies to help you understand what is happening, help you stay grounded through this uncertainty and stop losing yourself in his crisis.